Kill the computer

I can’t take it anymore.  This is my last blog.  I will never write another.    After this blog I am going to take my computer and hurl it from my window to the street thirty feet below.  I will then find a bothy and live a simple life in the mountains.  I will have no Internet connection and I will not care.  I will hunt deer and catch trout from a stream and never look at a computer again.  Why?  The answer is simple…I have Mouse Rage.

computer Humour

The machine must die!

I am furious and frustrated.  The Internet is there to bring the world into your home at the click of a mouse.  With your computer you’ll be able to cruise the virtual world and experience things that our father’s only dreamt of.  Is that what happens.  No!

What happens is this.

You spend hours of your life waiting for pages to load.  Watching Microsoft’s little rotating icon telling you that the internet page you want is loading.

The World Wide Web will make all kinds of excuses.

It “Can’t load because of a long running script.”

Or just “please wait.”

Or one of the worst is…”Windows is searching for a solution.”  Is it?  Well it never tells you what it’s found.

Worst of all, the screen just freezes and mists over and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

I’m growing old waiting for the bloody computer to load a web page. I sit transfixed, all I wanted to know was the times of the buses to Fort William but no, that’s too difficult, too much to ask in this age of instant information.  I’m forced to sit while my Broadband connection decides to doze off for half an hour.

I know it’s not your fault but…

My blood pressure rises, heart rate increases I am seized by fury.   In desperation I pick up the mouse and batter it repeatedly against the desk like a cave man trying to smash the skull of a bear.  I know this won’t help, I know it’s not the mouse’s fault but what else can I do.  Only violence can vent my anger and the mouse is the closest thing I’ve got to being able to kill something which is exactly what I want to do right now.  In despair I reboot the router and wish I’d never heard of the Internet.  Little lights flash and I realise that all of this in some inexplicable way is almost certainly my fault.

We are all cave men at heart and the Internet is there to torment us.  You know why there are no Neanderthals about?  They didn’t die out.  Oh no, somehow they found out about the Internet and killed themselves rather than put up with it.

Sorry I have to go now and find something to kill.  Where’s that mouse!

4 responses to “Kill the computer

  1. Ah, I hate the “Windows is searching for a solution” one…always makes me want to shriek, “I DON’T WANT AN EFFING SOLUTION JUST CLOSE THE WINDOW AND LET ME GO!” or something very ladylike along those lines.

  2. Try running a ‘check disk’ (chkdisk command with various parameters which you’d have to google). It also performs repairs and fixes. Takes around an hour, depending on the state of your hard drive but really can speed your computer up.

    Talking of mouse rage… I’ve got very severe mouse rage today… but of a different kind. I’ve had a mouse lurking in my house for a few weeks but, as there’s nothing available (food-wise) for it to eat, I thought it would have left by now. I’ve just been away for a week to recuperate in peace in my caravan in Cumbria and came back to a scene of horror. I have various fluffy ‘pets’ of which I’m very fond (I work and go away too often for real pets so these are my surrogate ones). Anyway, the beastly mouse has completely chewed the face off my stuffed cheetah. He had a lovely smiley face so I’m fuming!

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